Honestly, this is a really hard question to answer. I’ve found that for a lot of people identifying as genderfluid is something that they do when they’re exploring their identity in the early stages, and that the fluctuating dysphoria either evens out or becomes something they recognize as what you’re describing, it just not being as bad some days.
A lot of binary trans or more static non-binary people have that experience! They start off swinging, not sure who or what they are, and it evens out. That doesn’t make being genderfluid long-term something that is rare or wrong, though! Different people experience gender differently. I was very clearly fluid as a child, but not so much now; I know lots of people who’ve had the opposite experience, a sort of genderlessness or non-binary experience of childhood and then more overt fluidity in adulthood, and of course tons of people don’t have any inkling they’re trans until late in life.
It’s okay to not know what you are. It’s okay to want to know what you are, and to be frustrated with this! Time will probably help you work it out. Don’t be afraid of just picking one thing for now and changing it if it doesn’t seem to fit later on! I’d note however that what you’re describing is definitely something that’s true of the trans women in my life, especially in the first few months of identifying as something other than cis, and that lots of them did go through IDing as genderfluid or non-binary at first. That’s okay! Not doing that and deciding you’re a trans woman is also okay!
Good luck, in any case.
I have a personal belief on this, and again this is how I feel about myself and if someone truly feels this is abhorrent to your self identity then please understand I am in no way policing how you feel about yourself or your identity.
I don’t believe there really is a difference between a non-binary AMAB and a trans woman in the large overall zoomed out scheme of things. I think what makes a difference is in the individual’s needs when it comes to dealing with being trans. The big soup of nature and nurture brings us all to different paths in regards to how we best cope with being trans, with the disconnect between our assigned birth sex and how we feel inside. This may evolve or shift over time or for some it may be something they are so intensely effected by that there’s really only one path that works for them.
I don’t think it’s contradictory for me to refer to myself as non-binary, as genderfluid, as DMAB/AMAB, or even as a trans woman. To me they’re all different expressions of the same self reality. The reality of being trans.
Alternative Pinup girl http://lingerie-pinup.blogspot.com/
Alternative Pinup http://alternative-pinup.tumblr.com/
One of the first pieces of real lingerie I ever owned back when I was deeply in the closet were a pair of lace top thigh highs with a pinstripe print. They’re something I lost in a “purge” years and years ago and still very much miss.
I styled the Once Upon a Maritime skirt from ModCloth 2 ways on the blog!
I’ve had my eye on this skirt for a while, I love it on you!
is this beautiful solidarity too much for you, anon?
(also, i feel bad for you.)
For a good cause.
Wow. I didn’t know folks were collecting these. I’ve wanted to write posts about what’s happening down here and I can’t. Even if I can focus long enough past the stress and trauma then something new and horrible happens and I’m running off to document it. Twitter has been the only way I can get some of this out.